Conspiracy Theorists owe me an apology.
Nation, we can rejoice in the fact that our men and women of the Navy were returned to us last week, to coincide with the Persian New Year. We can also rejoice in the fact that it's been 2007 years since Jesus died and 15 months since Mel Gibson released the Passion of the Christ to mark his respect.
This ceremonious weekend however would have been made even more dramatic had the conspiracy theorists actually been correct as they always proclaim they are (some say they weren't wrong about 9/11), I'm talking of course about the increased blog chatter behind the following article:
Operation Bite: April 6 sneak attack by US forces against Iran planned, Russian
The article says that US forces were planning to liberate Iran from many of it's uranium enrichment facilities, research centres and laboratories (1). Considering the power of our Persian/Iranian overlords, I immediately assumed that the glorious President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would have no choice but to retaliate immediately with nuclear weapons that the Americans say he has. Of course the only thing released that day, was the heroic British Service men and women who were given some curry for free during their stay and not tortured.
However the threat of violence, nuclear war, led myself to believe my life was in imminent danger and due to my nature requires an immediate upgrade of my credit card spending limit to approximately £60,000 to fund a nuclear bomb shelter and food for a year. With this came the construction and installation costs (which had to be on the accelerated plus plan because of the nature of the threat) and an extra £15,000 to bribe my local council to rush through planning permission. In total this cost £75,000 which was paid for by my Morgan Stanley Black Card (2).
Building this immediately led to protests outside my home, with many saying "STOP THE WAR" and "NOT IN MY NAME" - they failed to however realise that I am in no position to stop the war and I prey for the nuclear strike to hit shortly, so they'd all be gone and I can watch it from my reinforced window which could withstand a nuclear blast.
The time was rapidly approaching, 4am Iranian Time (which is GMT+3:30, I do not know if they have any form of DST, but let's assume it's the same as Britain since we (probably) used to run that country) and the Good Friday had arrived. It had just gone midnight, I was glued to BBC News 24 and was without an internet connection, as that could not withstand the nuclear fallout that was in no doubt inevitable. Even if the Iranians didn't respond, it was clear that the Russians would.
In this panic, I was unable to record The Office - An American Workplace, Scrubs, Andy Barker P.I. or Penn & Teller's Bullshit on my legitimate internet recording software package that I and approximately 100,000 other British People have (it's great, it removes all adverts). However I felt even without these vital American Television Programs, the promise of surviving in a nuclear fallout land with a few other women was too good of an opportunity to miss out on.
Given the nature of the attacks and the secrecy, I was not that surprised when a few hours later, nothing was reported on these said attacks and I thought that they had been delayed slightly by the wind or perhaps the Iranians had held them hostage, but wait these are America's top forces, people better than Jack Bauer.... how could they not achieve their goals?
More hours passed, as I finished consuming the bread and water in my nuclear bunker, I immediately knew that I had been punk'd by these conspiracy theorists and wondered why doesn't anyone call these people on their bullshit?
Well here I am today, I'm calling you assholes on your bullshit, you lied to me, you said we'd be at nuclear war with Iran on the 6th of April at 4am Iranian time, it's now the 10th of April 6am Iranian time and I'm still alive, no nuclear bombs have been launched and no one has invaded Iran. So "Conspiracy Theorists" you owe me the following:
1) £75,000 + 15.9% APR for the capital to build my nuclear bunker.
2) A £50,000 job that I quit because I believed I'd no longer need it.
3) The 10,000 women aged 18 to 24 who would have still been alive to repopulate the whole of Britain when the bombs did hit.
I await your cheque in the post (£250,000 should just about cover it) (5). I also want a full apology that you'll no longer print bullshit which harms people's lives and ways of living.
Signed: Me.
1000 other people in Britain also built bomb shelters at the advice of Conspiracy Theorists, they were also disheartened when they were no longer able to recreate the whole of Britain and have to go back to their boring lives of something, rather than the really interesting life of nothing.
(1) The original article had the word "centers" and a comma after it, so I changed it, if you don't like it, just remember, it's ENGLISH not AMERICANISH.
(2) It's black, it's not a Black Card (i.e. it's an adjective not a noun) (3).
(3) If you really have no idea what I'm talking about here, I'm just saying that the card is coloured black and is not a selective elite card where only the richest 1% of the bank's clientèle obtain it (4).
(4) Note: I'm not even sure if Morgan Stanley do such a card.
(5) 1000 Prostitutes should only cost £40/hour, but I want the up market ones at £125/30 minutes, which costs £125,000. So £75k + £125k + £50k = £250,000. I'll wave the interest on the £75k if I get that cheque.
posted by Andrew @ 2:05:00 AM
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